On the Psychology of "Love"

"As a rule the motives [the young man] acts from are largely unconscious. [...] The greater the area of unconsciousness, the less is marriage a matter of free choice, as is shown subjectively in the fatal compulsion one feels so acutely when one is in love. [...] His Eros is passive like a child's; he hopes to be caught, sucked in, enveloped, and devoured. He seeks, as it were, the protecting, nourishing, charmed circle of the mother, the condition of the infant released from every care, in which the outside world bends over him and even forces happiness upon him. [...] The imperfections of real life, with its laborious adaptations and manifold disappointments, naturally cannot compete with such a state of indescribable fulfilment. [...] [E]very beloved is forced to become the carrier and embodiment of this omnipresent and ageless image, which corresponds to the deepest reality in man. It belongs to him, this perilous image of Woman; she stands for the loyalty which in the interests of life he must sometimes forgo; she is the much needed compensation for the risks, struggles, sacrifices that all end in disappointment; she is the solace for all the bitterness of life. [...] [This] projection-making factor is the anima, or rather the unconscious as represented by the anima. [...] The effect of anima [...] on the ego [...] is extremely difficult to eliminate because, in the first place, it is uncommonly strong and immediately fills the ego-personality with an unshakable feeling of rightness and righteousness. In the second place, the cause of the effect is projected and appears to lie in objects and objective situations. Both these characteristics can, I believe, be traced back to the peculiarities of the archetype. For the archetype, of course, exists a priori. This may possibly explain the often totally irrational yet undisputed and indisputable existence of certain moods [...]. Perhaps these are so notoriously difficult to influence because of the powerfully suggestive effect emanating from the archetype. Consciousness is fascinated by it, held captive, as if hypnotized. Very often the ego experiences a vague feeling of moral defeat and then behaves all the more defensively, defiantly, and self-righteously, thus setting up a vicious circle which only increases its feeling of inferiority. The bottom is then knocked out of the human relationship, for, like megalomania, a feeling of inferiority makes mutual recognition impossible, and without this there is no relationship."

-Excerpts from "Marriage as a Psychological Relationship" and "Aion: Phenomenology of the Self" by Carl Jung (edited to limit Jung's discussion to the male phenomenology, i.e. to remove discussion of female phenomenology and the animus)

To simplify what Jung has stated in the above excerpts, and also provide some necessary background of the Jungian system, the following points should suffice:

1. The psyche is divided into conscious and unconscious.


2. The unconscious psyche has certain universal modes of manifesting its contents to the conscious psyche. We term these modes "archetypes."


3. One of these archetypes is the "anima."


4. Essentially, the anima represents a set of instinctive and unrealistic expectations that, emanating from the unconscious psyche to the conscious psyche, influence the individual's perception of the world and the people he relates to, specifically women, projecting onto those around him a reflection of his own expectations, and then interpreting their regular actions as a betrayal of these projected expectations.


5. The projections of the anima result in the individual's conscious will being unduly influenced, and even overruled, by a neurotic compulsion. In other words, the demands of his unconscious psyche, of the anima, are beyond his control, and thus he struggles consciously either to satiate or to suppress them, usually failing in both regards.


6. In order for the individual to develop healthy, adult relationships, it is necessary first that he should undergo the process of individuation [see "The Transcendent Function"] in order to bring into consciousness (assimilate) that which is currently unconscious (the content of the anima archetype).

Now the discussion of how individuation is best affected is a rather complicated and highly controversial topic, but I personally would provide the following advice:

First, internalize the entire process through abstraction. In other words, rather than think about one specific person and your relationship to her, and real events involving her, consider her merely a manifestation or example of something universal. In this way, convert your thoughts of her specifically into abstract thoughts. Rather than say, "I feel that I miss her" say, "I feel that I miss it" and then define what "it" is. What are it's qualities? What do you desire from it? What do you hope to gain from it? Consider "it" in its ideal form.

Secondly, attempt to recognize that this "it" is your anima. One means of doing this is by engaging in fantasies and comparing these to reality. For instance, if remembering a specific event that resulted in a specific emotional outcome, consider what fantasies are present within the psyche as to how this situation (if it were bad) could have been remedied, or (if it were good) could have been maintained, then recognize that these fantasies are merely products of the psyche as it attempts to deal with the demands of the anima. Which demands specifically does each fantasy relate to? The goal here is to come to a clearer comprehension of the nature of the anima.

Third, engage in contemplation. Specifically, attempt to define the anima as best you can. Write down what you know of it or what you have experienced of it. Then attempt to define yourself, and note differences between your anima and yourself.

Fourth, externalize your new comprehension. Reexamine events that have occurred and see if your perspective of them has changed at all. Specifically, compare what you know about a specific person to what you may have projected upon that person before. Examine how that person differs from your anima. Examine their shortcomings, how they have failed to meet your expectations. Also, examine your own past actions in relation to this person. Ask yourself how you might have had immature expectations of this person, or how your expectations may have colored or influenced your previous comprehension.

Finally, attempt to assimilate your anima into your conscious psyche. Make it a part of you, that is yet not in control of you. Do not succumb to it but rather raise yourself up to its level. Find power within your own will that is equal to the power of your anima. But neither should you scorn it or attempt to repress or conquer it, embrace it as an equal, as an integral part of what you must become. Attempt to recognize, specifically, that it is only through the knowledge and clear comprehension of your anima that you can become capable of comprehending and thus meeting the demands of the feminine animus. (For just as you have an anima, every female has an animus, and the animus' demands can only be met by a man who is equal to his own anima.) In this sense, you must become possessed with the same spirit as the mythological hero, who is of his own right justified in his possession of the princess. If such a mythological perspective is helpful then embrace it; if not, ignore it.

I would also strongly suggest some reading, if you feel up to the task. Most specifically certain texts of Jung and Campbell. From Jung, the three referenced above ("Marriage as a Psychological Relationship," "Aion: Phenomenology of the Self," and "The Transcendent Function"), as well as "General Description of the Types," all of which can be found in "The Portable Jung," edited and introduced by Campbell. From Campbell I suggest reading "The Hero With a Thousand Faces" only if you feel a synergy between the above effort and a mythological perspective, for Campbell does an excellent job of describing the nature of the hero's conquests in love, as well as providing relevant examples.